"What's Love Got To Do With It?"

(Ms. Tina Turner https://youtu.be/oGpFcHTxjZs?si=w2JKb7ZgSvvpanLA )

While I like Ms. Turner’s song and it reminds me of years past when a heartache left me fed up with love that took me years to try love again, the song that we truly need in 2026 and to infinity is “What The World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love.” (Ms. Dionne Warwick https://youtu.be/m5Chxe89O6c )  Did you notice in Ms. Turner’s video set in NYC the World Trade Center Twin Towers?  It chilled me to see them.  And, it reminded me of just one of a myriad of events I’ve witnessed that demonstrates what happens when we, individually and collectively, are divided by hate, by powers, by religions, by governments, by varying cultures, by castes of the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots,’ by envy, by inequality, by xenophobia, by homophobia, by misogyny, by the patriarchy, by lack of opportunities.

ove is everything and that’s what love’s got to do with it.  ‘Love’ is an emotion that must be healthily demonstrated, taught, learned, reinforced.  Like ‘love, ‘hate’ is an emotion that is either casually or purposefully demonstrated, taught, learned, reinforced, indoctrinated.  How did you learn what ‘love’ is?  Who taught you about ‘love’?  I did not easily or smoothly learn about healthy love because, having grown up in an ultra-religious home and hearing how “God is love”, but if I stepped out of line with the religious rules, dogma, doctrine, that ‘loving God’ would send me to hell to burn in eternity.  Does that sound like ‘love’ to you? There was a disconnect between Bible-God and the True-GUS.*  From my upcoming book, Constructing Your Spiritual Life Without Religion, “When I speak about ‘God’, the intention is to be inclusive of however you prefer to refer to the highest divine energy / consciousness. My great friend, Holly, coined the acronym, *’GUS’ to relieve us of the problem with what to call the highest power; GUS stands for ‘God / Goddess, Universe, Source,’ Pure Consciousness, etc.  Similarly, Anne Lamott, writer/ public speaker / political activist, uses ‘GUS’ to stand for the ‘Great Universal Spirit’ which is her term for God or a higher power representing love, goodness, and grace.  GUS is a comforting, non-judgmental spiritual force that helps carry people through life’s challenges” (Duncan)  “What, specifically, is Bible-God versus [True-GUS]? Bible-God is the character in the Bible who people are told to believe is the only god. But, Bible-God, especially in the Old Testament, is not the loving, nurturing, forgiving, teaching, guiding [True-GUS] spiritually attuned people know” (Duncan). There is a difference between a personal God and God personal to us. Since the word ‘personal’ sometimes leads to misunderstanding, it would probably be better to speak of God individualized in [a person]  rather than of God personal to [a person]” (qtd. in Charles Fillmore, Metaphysical Bible Dictionary, 188-189). The distinction between Bible-God and [True-GUS] was made by author Steven Tiger in his book, Doctrine Impossible. Another reason love was a difficult emotion / concept to grasp in childhood was when I was ten and I was sent away for two years.  When my parents sent me away, they told me they loved me and they were sending me away because they loved me. That made no sense to me and showed me that love is confusing and conditional sometimes. I do not blame my parents for any of this; I know they were doing the best they knew how to do when parenting a challenging child.  Still, my early childhood experiences with learning about love and attachment significantly shaped how I approached relationships in adulthood until I schooled myself in what love truly is.

My understanding of love was messed up for a long time. Eventually, I deconstructed religion and learned what love is from GUS. And, life taught me through intimate relationships that sex, alone, is not love.  When I became a parent, I learned that “love flows downhill”…that children usually don’t love their parents as much as parents love their children.  I credit this wisdom to my dear friend, Lucy-Kate.  My dachshunds teach me about unconditional love.  Still, what is love beyond an emotion, a noun, a verb, the topic of countless stories / poems / songs?

Of course, you’ve likely heard a lecture in church or in a psychology class about the categories of love.  Here’s a brief refresher:

• romantic

• platonic - philia (Greek)

• storge - Greek for familial love

• for one’s teammates - work, sports

• love for one’s child

• love for one’s parents

• love for a protege’

• love for a mentor

• love for a pet

• self-love - philautia (Greek)

• spiritual love - agape (Greek) (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/what-is-love/).

“What does science say about love? The American Psychological Association defines love as ‘a complex emotion,’ and other studies indicate that when we feel love, our brain dumps a handful of neurotransmitters that make us feel really good. But, other researchers would say that treating love just like any other emotion simplifies things too much. Some psychologists suggest that it’s more accurate to view love as a psychological need, like hunger or thirst. They argue that love can even function like an addiction and that an absence of love can be devastating. [Science has proven that love is good for you.] Just like fulfilling other needs, when you experience and express love, it can be quite good for your health.

Researchers have found that expressing love can:

• Lower stress

• Lower cholesterol

• Lower blood pressure

• Boost your immune system

• Help you live longer

• Help you heal faster from sickness

This happens because expressing affection, not just feeling it, releases positive hormones like oxytocin, which make us feel good and reduce stress. And having loving connections is tied to lower cortisol, which is the stress hormone.

Amazingly, feelings of love might also help you reduce pain! One study found that when people experienced pain while looking at photos of a romantic partner, the feelings of pain were less than if the photos were of friends or if they were distracted in another way” (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/what-is-love/#what-does-science-say-about-love ). The rest of the article referenced is a great read and I encourage you to look it up.

Another article, “What Is Love, and What Isn’t?”, highlights the following key points:

• “Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself.

• Love cannot be turned on as a reward. Nor can it be turned off as a punishment.

• Marriages, whether arranged or not, may have little to do with love” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-without-limits/201111/what-is-love-and-what-isnt ).

Okay, so why is love so difficult for many people? Love is difficult because it's shaped by our childhood experiences [like my experiences growing up] and emotional needs, which can create complex patterns in relationships. It's also a decision that requires vulnerability, trust, and effort to maintain, making it challenging to sustain over time.  In addition, we tend to use the word ‘love’ too casually.  For example, a friend may notice the exquisite earrings you are wearing and exclaim, “I love your new earrings!”  Does your friend truly love the inanimate jewelry, or is the word being used offhandedly?

Why does it sometimes seem easier to hate than to love? Hate is often perceived as easier than love because it requires minimal emotional investment. It does not demand empathy, self-reflection, or personal growth. Instead, it offers a clear and predictable framework where individuals can identify and oppose what they dislike. This simplicity can lead to a sense of belonging among like-minded individuals, reinforcing hateful attitudes without the need for deeper understanding or connection.  In contrast, love is complex and requires significant emotional effort. It involves connection, sharing, and a willingness to grow alongside others. Love demands courage, as it often means opening oneself up to vulnerability and the possibility of pain. This emotional labor can be daunting, making love feel more challenging than hate. The bottom line is:

• emotional effort: for hate, it requires minimal effort; for love, it requires significant effort

• health benefits: for hate, it is associated with higher health risks; for love, it is linked to lower stress and longer life

• social impact: for hate, it can lead to division and conflict; for love, it builds strong communities

While hate may seem easier due to its lack of demands, love ultimately fosters healthier relationships and communities. The emotional and physical benefits of love outweigh the simplicity of hate, making it a more rewarding choice in the long run.

Can love last forever?  Since love, ultimately, is whatever we choose to make of it, I feel love lasts forever, but it is often transmuted and/or transferred.  Example, when couples divorce, they often claim they ‘hate’ each other, but they used to 'love' each other.  Did the love simply die?  Perhaps the love changed from focusing on loving the other person to centering loving and respecting oneself.

Individually and collectively, we must transmute hate to favor love.  “What The World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love” isn’t just an old song; it is our only hope.  It is transformative, restoring, unifying, caring, empathetic, hopeful.  In a time when the ‘leaders’ of countries are demonstrating the highest levels of hate and are teaching our children that hating, lying, indecency, racism, dishonesty, division, ‘us’ or ‘them’, elevating levels of individual and collective love expressed is essential.

How do you define ‘love’ and how do you promote love in the world, in your work, in your home, with your family and friends, with strangers? Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at MissyDuncanPhdofficial@gmail.com. I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com. [Soon, my website will be changing; your subscription will automatically roll over to the new website.]