Straight Talk: Are Your Relationships Stable?
- reimaginelife22
- Jan 25, 2023
- 6 min read
Reimagine Life Coaching preface - You are in for a treat! This week’s blog is written by contributor, Gina Rider. Gina is crisis counselor, a professor emeritus of Psychology and English, a skilled relationship coach, a mother/wife/young grandmother, and a dear friend who helps people live their best lives.
Even before I was able to comprehend the psychological and social influences in basic relationships, a passion surfaced in me to try to understand how and why people relate to others the way they do. I quickly discovered that a multitude of expectations, thoughts, and emotions accompany even our most basic relationships. Additionally, I recognized that, all too often, “a heaping cup of complex variables” is added to the mix for “flavor," methodically throwing everyone involved into the deep end of the pool gasping for breath.
I looked to the Cambridge Dictionary to find a simple definition for the word ‘relationship.’ Here it is: “the way two or more people are connected, or the way they behave toward each other.”
Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? The truth is, we are all deeply aware of the fact that “relationships”
Come in all shapes and sizes
They are seldom easy or simple
They are great until they aren’t.
As you read, I am sure you will quickly become aware that this information is merely the tiniest tip of the “relationship” iceberg. I do, however, hope you give some thought to your own relationships like those with your family, your friends, and your coworkers as this is the start of a series of blogs about the relationships, we all encounter in our daily lives.
It is said that “you can’t pick your family.” To a degree, that is true, because we can’t change who our biological mother and father are; however, give some thought to more common variations in the “traditional” family structure:
Single parent family
Stepfamilies
Extended families
Same sex families
Still think you have this family relationship thing figured out? Although our DNA isn’t a choice, our parent’s decision to get together and form a family with each other is, in fact, a conscious choice that, positively or negatively, has a long-term ripple effect in the lives of numerous people.
Have you ever contemplated how you learned about familial relationships? Everything that was integral in both of your parent’s upbringing and family lives is now combined and creates a new dynamic in your own family. If you examine their background (their parent’s lives) as well as those of others who later become a part of your family, you will begin to see the reasons you either have healthy balanced relationships within your family, or mistrust, tension, and significant dysfunction.
The ShrinkChics Podcast, “Breaking Family Patterns” calls attention to the fact that your parents brought you up amid “Intergenerational Patterns and/or Trauma," for example:
Trauma from
The Great Depression
War
Abuse
Abject poverty
Lack of boundaries
Lack of communication
Over-bearing rules
Religious beliefs
Addiction
Unearthing this information, through observation and questioning, should aid in the thought process that should unlock some answers for you about possible challenges you may be facing in your personal relationships. The “rules” and behaviors in which you live are not carved in stone, they can be changed, however, left unexamined they will seep into other connections in your lives like those with your friends and coworkers.
All too often, lines become completely blurred in distinguishing the differences between friends and acquaintances. In order rectify this misperception, I consulted Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.
Friend is defined as “one attached to another by affection or value.”
Acquaintance is described as “a person whom one knows.”
Equating these connections continues to wreak havoc in the lives of many. Consider all the people at your job, church, school, or even a group you socialize with weekly.
Do you truly know all of them well, and feel close enough to them that you would consider them a friend?
Are some just people you know as part of the group?
This is where confusion and false security tends takes over. If you don’t know someone well, why in the world would you trust them with your deepest secrets, thoughts, fears, and information about your personal life?
True friends are:
Trustworthy
Loving
Compassionate
Understanding, and provide
A safe and secure place for all who are involved.
Unfortunately, you have no idea about the trustworthiness, honesty, and personality traits of the numerous acquaintances you will make. If you are one of those people who overshare with those you don’t really know, it is a sensible choice for you to start to use logic and cease those behavioral choices.
In a nutshell, people blab and talk about people instead of things. Ulysses S. Grant hit the nail on the head when he said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”
Do you find some of these same type of concerns with some people?
How about your coworkers?
Do you consider your relationship with them merely a professional connection, or are they a work friend, or a life friend?
There are multitude of different “office” interactions. Do you ever think about them individually? I recommend that you do. You can control more than you think with your own knowledge and making a few changes in you.
As much time as we spent at a job, you would think we would invest a bit of time and energy evaluating those with whom we interact at work as well as evaluating ourselves in our workplace environment. Yes, these are relationships. We spend a significant amount of time with your coworkers, but oddly enough, most people just gripe about co-workers without one iota of effort to see how the situation can be improved through our own efforts. Everyone who works is forced to cope with an abundant number of
Diverse and complex personalities
A rollercoaster of moods
And constantly changing and challenging situations daily.
Work relationships can be horrific, good, great, or just tolerable.
How do you deal (react to) with people at work?
Do you have a merely professional connection to them, or do you socialize with them?
Are they a work friend, acquaintance, supervisor, or life friend?
Do you get along with most of your work associates?
Are there some who drive you crazy?
How much real estate do you let them own in your mind rent free?
Do you let them push your buttons?
These are just a few questions you might want to devote some time to answer. Janice Tingum has some suggestions to remedy some of these issues in an article titled, “How to Build Effective Working Relationships”. She states that there are four traits of a successful working rapport:
Trust
Teamwork
Communication
Respect
If we can achieve all of these, then, we need to consider ourselves very fortunate. However, in the real world, these operate on a continuum as people’s moods, situations, supervisors, and work environments change. The number and complexity of variables involved in workplace relationships is staggering, and all we can do is evaluate how we react.
Do you get so mad that all logic and reason go out the door? (you are letting them push your buttons…that’s the real estate you are giving them)
Are you able to work on as a team member, or is that one person keeping you from focusing on your purpose?
Are you able to communicate verbally and nonverbally (body language) properly and completely (professionally and not like you are enraged)
Can you show them the respect that you expect from others? I will admit that this can be a tough one for many of us. Sometimes, you just have to respect the position and the institution and its purpose to get through.
I found it helpful to learn about different personalities and how to respond to them. This not only helps with other relationships, but also assists significantly in communication and respect. Trust in business has always been difficult for me, but as I have aged in the business world, I have learned to listen to that tug in my stomach when it says, “Tread lightly with this one and watch your back.” I strongly urge you all to do the same, all the while not changing who you are at your core. Do not let others siphon the contentment out of you and destroy your peace. That is your decision.
In every aspect of our lives, whether it be a romantic partner, a family member, a friend, an acquaintance or a colleague, we are forced to interact with numerous combinations of personalities, moods and situations, which can be challenging at times. The truth of the matter is that the only person we can control in any of these encounters is ourselves. I hope this little bit of information about a few of the relationships in which we live will encourage you to stay tuned as I further break down (in a series) various connections with others in our lives.
To contact Gina, please email reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
Resources Used
Bierly, Emmalee LMFT & Chaiken, Jennifer LMFT (Hosts). (2022, October 11). Breaking Family Patterns [Audio Podcast episode] https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/breaking-family-patterns/id1483261668?i=1000584488165.
https://smallbusiness.chron.com/build-effective-working-relationships-20282.html
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