Single Life - Part II - Single Female, Early 30's

Last week’s blog kicked off a series on the Single Life. What are the advantages and challenges of being single? This week’s focus is on the perspectives from a single female in her early 30’s. Rather than conducting a traditional interview with this young single woman, I’m highlighting the narrative she shared in her own words:

“Growing up I was always into fairytales; I was a Disney kid, after all. The romance and passion I saw on the screen was always what I expected love to look like. I had my first real boyfriend in high school. We were high school sweethearts and best friends! We hung out with the same group of people and life was good. A year after high school, we parted ways and I was single for the first time as a young woman. When you’re a single young woman fresh into the real world, you’re told this is the time to find yourself, explore, grow! I found myself at countless concerts traveling the state with local bands and in bars [engaging in] underage drinking. Trouble all around. I was never the pretty friend; I was the tomboy, awkward friend. Any attention I received was out of pity or desperation. Needless to say, this was a reckless road of one night stands and completely detrimental to my mental health.

Fast forward a couple years, still single but slowly growing up. Coming into my own but lonely, I found myself in a storm of my own desperation. Those fairytales [kept] playing in my head: was I ever going to get my act together and find my Prince Charming? My childhood best friend met the love of her life working at a restaurant and she swore to me I’d find a similar love. So here I am working in a restaurant too. The money was good [and] the team was solid and strong, but that’s when trouble walked in. The first guy to show me attention in over a year. He said all the right words, but that [turned] into years of verbal and mental abuse-along with two kids; he later despised me and abandoned me. I was ruined, but, I was focused.

For years, I spent my time and focus on these two beautiful children I had. [When] I left their father, [I was] frail physically and mentally. After having two kids, I was a whopping 100 lbs and couldn’t even keep a size 0 pants on my waist. Dating wasn’t an option; I looked sick and frail. If I went out with friends to a bar, I was never the one approached with a pick up line or an offer to buy a drink. It didn’t bother me, though. I had a solid group of girlfriends and guy friends too!

As I said before, I was always a bit of a tomboy, fishing, and four wheeling with the dudes. If a guy did ever come around, their approval was in high regard. Online dating was to be the death of me. The second you say you’re a mother, they’re gone like the roadrunner in a Looney Toons cartoon! Other matches wanted pictures of my feet, or asked for explicit content and exchanges as if I was a call girl. Those apps have been re-installed and deleted more times than I can count. Sometimes I’ll re-install them just to get a compliment out of insecurity and desperation for validation. They’re soon quickly deleted with reminders of why I deleted them in the first place.

It took years to find peace in my being alone. Focus on myself and the kids. Even outside of romantic relationships, I lost some friends along the way too. People who couldn’t comprehend my inner peace with being alone. My need to provide for my children and have some complete in solitude “me time.” I’ll never apologize for taking care of my children, getting them to bed, and then enjoying a show or a book with a stiff drink before bed time. I’ll never apologize for being the woman who focuses on my household first and responds when my responsibility have lessened. Those who understand have stayed in my life, and they’re appreciated more than they know. There are people in this world who have to always be in a relationship; they jump from one person to the next with no time to reflect. Some simply stay with a partner in a toxic relationship because they’re so codependent on one another they can’t function by themselves. Some have just been lucky and found their perfect match.

Why can’t the perfect match just be ourselves? I’ve come to terms with being single; it works for me! I have my kids; that’s what I’ve always wanted and I have a beautiful life. The lingering craving of another’s touch comes and goes. I’m certainly not saying I’ve fully given up; I am human after all. There are many times I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her to turn off the TV and movies. Not to listen to the lies they spew, nothing will ever be that perfect. I’ve struggled and learned a lot of hard lessons. When you read those cheesy quotes about loving yourself, believe those over the fairytales. Do everything you do in your life for yourself, you’re the only one who is going to love yourself the most.

Did you cringe reading that? I cringed writing it, even though I believe it! If Mr. Wonderful shows up one day and sweeps me off my feet, it will be a long-awaited welcoming. For now, I will reflect on the lessons learned and be the strongest, most beautiful influence in my children’s lives. I hope my daughter learns from my strength, and I hope my son learns from my compassion. The right person will love you with complete understanding. If I stay single for the rest of my life, I have stories to tell and peace in my heart. I will not be bitter, but thankful for everything I’ve been through and those who have stuck by my side through it all!”

* Did this young woman’s story of single life resonate with you? Did her words encourage you? Next week’s blog post will be another story, one shared by a single young man in his 30’s. Keep reading each week to these authentic narratives on the Single Life.