Personality Aging

“I used to be the one who organized everything.  The group chats. The dinner parties. The person who remembered everyone’s birthdays and showed up with the right bottle of [wine] and stayed until the end.  I had so much energy for people.  And, then, gradually, I didn’t” (Vanessa Van Edwards, 3/26/26 subscriber newsletter, https://www.scienceofpeople.com/).

Does this description resonate with you?  I thought I was the only one that observed this in myself.  But, according to research, as people get older, they usually get less extroverted.  While it is true of both men and women, it is especially observable in women.  Why?  Women often bear the responsibility for maintaining the social calendar for the family or the couple. And when women don’t want to keep doing that ‘job,’ it’s unlikely their partner or other family member will take up the banner of social responsibility. There is little solid research about why women often start to shun this responsibility as they age because, for many research studies, they use men as the default. Still, we see this shift in women every day.

While our capacity for connection hasn’t declined and our “warmth, empathy, and depth of close relationships [remains or increases,] we don’t stop being interested in people. We stop being interested in all people, all the time (Van Edwards).  Dr. Laura Carstensen, who studies longevity, developed the Socioemotional Selectivity Theory (SST) as a “model that explains how perceived limitations on time lead individuals, particularly older adults, to prioritize emotional goals and seek emotionally meaningful interactions over future-oriented goals.  It posits that this reorganization of goals is influenced by the perception of time left to live rather than chronological age…When time horizons are perceived as long and open-ended (e.g., as in younger adulthood), people are more motivated to pursue knowledge-related goals such as gaining new experiences and information, and expanding social networks, so as to bank for their long-term future. Conversely, when people perceive future time horizons as shorter and more limited, they prioritize emotionally meaningful goals by savoring the present, investing in sure things, and choosing to deepen close relationships rather than seeking new connections. As people age and their sense of time becomes more finite, they naturally begin to optimize social energy for meaning and quality rather than breadth and novelty”(qtd. in https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/socioemotional-selectivity-theory).

So, the older we get, the way we “…maintain [our] emotional well-being [is] by selectively pursuing emotionally meaningful goals and downplaying knowledge-related goals…This shift in goals impacts the value, preference, and decision-making” (qtd. in https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/socioemotional-selectivity-theory).”  While younger adults’ goals often are to build large groups of social contact and interactions, older adults often purposefully drop outlying people from their social networks and increase the emotional substance.  In doing so, “‘they are likely to forgive others in interpersonal conflicts’”  (Allemand, 2008, qtd. in https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/socioemotional-selectivity-theory ). These ways of situational selection and changes help older adults to focus their limited time and energy on friends, family, and interactions that are likely to be pleasant and that  likely plays a role in their emotional well-being.

According to Van Edwards and supported by Carstensen’s research, as our personality ages, we don’t misplace our social self; we are revising it. “This is the most important nuance in this entire conversation, and it’s the one most people miss. There is a world of difference between someone who is pulling back because they are choosing depth over breadth — and a person who is withdrawing because they are lonely, depressed, grieving, or losing themselves. From the outside, they can look identical. Both cancel plans. Both are harder to reach. Both seem to need less company. The difference is this: 1. Intentional selectivity feels like clarity. You know what you want. The aloneness feels restoring, not punishing. When you do connect, your fully present and genuinely glad to be there. 2. Involuntary withdrawal feels like fog. You want connection but can’t seem to reach for it. The aloneness feels heavy. You don’t look forward to the things you used to love. Even the good moments feel flat”(Van Edwards).

Well-researched NeuroLaunch adds, “As we journey through life, our personalities don’t just stay put – they dance, they twist, they turn. Let’s dive into some of the most common shifts observed in older adults. It’s like watching a familiar movie with a surprise ending! First up, there’s a trend towards increased emotional stability and decreased neuroticism. Imagine your emotions as a rollercoaster – in youth, it’s all steep drops and loop-de-loops. But as we age, the ride smooths out. We’re less likely to fly off the handle or spiral into anxiety over small setbacks. It’s as if life has taught us to take a deep breath and say, ‘This too shall pass.’ But what about our social butterfly tendencies? Changes in extraversion are like a mixed bag of jellybeans – some folks become more outgoing, while others prefer the comfort of smaller, intimate circles. It’s not about becoming a hermit; it’s about quality over quantity in our social interactions. As we age, we might find ourselves savoring deeper conversations with close friends rather than chasing the next big party. Now, here’s where things get really interesting – shifts in openness to experience and creativity. Contrary to the stereotype of the set-in-their-ways elder, many older adults discover new passions and interests. It’s like finding a hidden room in a house you’ve lived in for years. Suddenly, Grandpa is taking up watercolor painting or learning to code. Who knew? When it comes to conscientiousness and goal-oriented behaviors, there’s often a fascinating dance between increased wisdom and a “been there, done that” attitude. On one hand, older adults might become more meticulous in their routines and more committed to their goals. On the other, they might decide that some battles aren’t worth fighting anymore. It’s all about picking your moments and knowing what truly matters. Last but not least, let’s talk about agreeableness and empathy. As we age, many of us become more attuned to the emotions of others. It’s like developing a superpower for understanding and connecting with people. This increased empathy can lead to richer relationships and a greater sense of community” (https://neurolaunch.com/the-curious-personality-changes-of-older-age/ ).

Here are some real life examples of this shift:

• My 97 year old father and 94 year old mother now live in a residential skilled nursing facility.  When they were younger, my father’s personality was extraverted and my mother’s personality was quite introverted.  Now that they are older, they have switched personalities!  My mother is now a social butterfly in the nursing home, often going from table to table to visit with others at mealtimes and going to the rooms of her friends to visit. Her friend group has expanded too because she is in a diverse environment.  My father prefers to sit in their room and watch The View.  I have remarked often that I don’t recognize my parents now that they have experienced a ‘plot twist’ in their personalities.

  
  

• For the past 5 years, my personality has undergone an evolution that is still expanding.  Rather than living to go out with friends and plan big events, I live to stay home with my dachshunds, to read, write,  sip a fragrant cup of decaf tea, or have a friend over for ‘large talk’ rather than ‘small talk.’  I used to plan dinner parties, outings, events for family and friends, have thousands of ‘friends’ on social media.  That doesn’t interest me anymore.  I’m still outgoing, but I’m not the wild-and-crazy extravert I had been.   At 70, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me, of how I wear my hair, of what I wear, of what I do, of what I think.  If someone doesn’t like it, too bad for them!  It’s one of the greatest gifts of aging: not giving a damn what others think. So freeing!  The depth of my friendships now is divine.  I have few dear friends and some acquaintances; that’s perfect for my close social circle.  In addition, I constantly learn new things to renew my mind and spirit and I have the time to invest in learning what intrigues me now that I’m a full-time advisor for my own life, happiness, curiosity, purpose (AKA retired from the 9-5 work). In addition to these personality alterations, I now question everything for its value to me. for example, in my 40s through my 60s I deconstructed from a high control religion and rebuilt my spiritual life in ways that resonate with me.

Have you observed the Socioemotional Selectivity Theory at work in you or in others? What have you observed? Do you like the personality changes that have happened to you with age?  If so, what do you like/what do you not like? Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on Blue Sky or Substack, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.

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