Parenting/Supporting Children in the Performing Arts

Have you seen an accomplished dancer, violinist, actor, aerial artist and wondered what, in their childhood, prepared them for being a star in their creative universe? What did their parents do to support their children through honing their art? While some of what is shared here may be the experience of parents supporting children preparing for sports excellence, that is not the focus of this blog essay.

Carl Jung astutely observed that: "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent” (https://psychologyforgrowth.com/quotes/carl-jung/). As the parent of a high school daughter who is a rising, gifted violinist, her father, who I will call ‘Mike’, shares these thoughts on personality, emotions, logistics, and challenges: “Among the challenges/observations that we have had in raising an artistic kid [are] that the same personality traits that drive their artistic expression are those that find expression in their personal interactions, too. It's difficult to confine expressive activity to the practice room. If the child is emotionally reactive and sensitive, these are also the traits that they are going to bring to their art. It's very hard to partition into separate worlds. It's all the same. Perfectionism is common among artistic kids. As a parent of a young artist with perfectionist traits, I've found it's a balancing act to find the right way to support persistence in honing their craft while avoiding the more maladaptive judgemental side of perfectionism.”

‘Mike’ continues, “There’s a lot of sacrifice involved in parenting a child in the arts. In this way, it's not unlike any

high-level pursuit, such as sports and academic competitions. In the case of musical kids, many parents are highly involved with practice at home. This often continues for years, until the child

has enough self-awareness, listening skills, responsibility, and problem-solving skills to practice on their own. The sacrifice can be felt very acutely. We have had to change many short-term and long-term plans to make her dream a reality. Parental involvement creates its own set of dilemmas. There's never a bright line that delineates when the child is ready to pursue their art independently. Instead, it's a gradual transition; and when you're involved only a daily basis, it can be hard to know when they're ready. I struggled a lot to let go of control. When listening to my young violinist practice independently, I would hear an issue with phrasing or intonation and really had to restrain myself from getting involved in fixing it. What helped me was to take a step back and look at the process from a ‘meta’ level. Is she learning to recognize mistakes and devise solutions? Is she organizing herself well to practice?”

The young violinist’s dad warns, “There’s a risk of parents becoming too entangled in their child's artistic pursuits. It's very

easy to see their achievements as a reflection of your own abilities. But when the inevitable setbacks occur, if you see your child's passion as a project, you may end up apply[ing] pressure on them so that that you won't be disappointed in yourself.” Interestingly, ‘Mike’ was somewhat conflicted, when he was in high school, over pursuing a passion for medicine or for music. As it’s turned out, he was fortunate enough to cultivate both passions. ‘Mike’ referred to an article called, “ Can We Really Love Our Children Unconditionally?” (https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/29/opinion/children-unconditional-love.html); It is a great read and it’s applicable to parenting/supporting children in the arts and how we, as parents, ponder the nature of ‘unconditional love.’

‘Charlotte,’ fictional name to preserve her anonymity, shares her experience parenting and supporting her dancer son, who I will call ‘Dylan’: “As I reflect on what I learned, and what I am the most thankful I did to help ‘Dylan’ accomplish what he has, [I remember him telling me] he just HAD TO DANCE - -so it was his idea. From [my having been] a skating instructor for over 30 years, I have seen the heartache for student and parent (and even teacher) when it is the parents’ dream and not the student’s desire. When you see where their interest is, expose them to every bit of it you can. Lots of movies, dance recitals from several dancing schools, [and] in our case, we were fortunate to have Disney close by which really set some seeds. This wise mom continues, “I cannot stress the movies enough [:] Gene Kelly, Don O'Conner, Fred [Astaire.]  He was following their movements, in no time.  We had costume boxes full of items so he could perform right with them. He showed this interest very young. Once the training really began, under the leadership of [an excellent dance studio near Orlando], he was exposed to each type of dance - - but it was not long till we knew his talent was truly tapping. “

‘Charlotte’ explains, “One thing I insisted on was when he started something he would finish the season -- no stopping in the middle.   There were times he wanted to not do a number - -or even a show - - he knew how I felt, but as he got older into his teens, I told him he could decide for himself, but if he did not want to do it, he had to go tell his beloved dance teachers. I would not do it for him. He never missed a performance.

Several years, by the time of recital, he was saying he did not want to do as much the next year. [;] I said that was fine and would give him the schedule to fill out for the next year.  Every year it increased - but it was his decision, not ours - -he just had to carry through on all he committed to.  

I am speaking from a home schooling mom’s perspective [;] I am sure there are many more challenges for those [aspiring dancers] in traditional school.  All along the way, I would ask him if there were other interests he had.  At one time, early in high school, he talked about hotel management.  I believe this was rooted in conventions we attended and staying down at Disney on vacations.   I ordered some books; he did some reading, but didn't show a big interest [yet]. [‘Dylan’ danced professionally for several years], and today, he is working at an exclusive hotel at the front desk and is a trainer most of the time. [He is] doing a great job.  [When venues closed, were quarantined] during COVID, [he switched from professional dancing to hotel management.]  But it shows me how in control God is, that he planted that seed in ‘Dylan’ years ago. ‘Dylan’ shows us great appreciation for the training and experiences he had.”

And, I parented/supported my daughter who started in dance and fell in love with dancing in the air honing her skill in aerial dance arts. She trained hard and was so myopic about accomplishing her dream to perform as an aerial artist with Cirque du Soleil. In the meantime, she danced at Disney and Universal Studios while she kept training in the air. By the time she was 18, she “ran off and joined the circus”; she was invited to and won an audition, then, joined Cirque du Soleil, has performed with them all over the world, met her husband through Cirque, and loves her performing life and Cirque family. It was challenging for all of us as we committed to our daughter’s dream along with her.

It is important to note that ‘Charlotte’ homeschooled ‘Dylan’, ‘Mike’ homeschooled his daughter for several years, and I homeschooled my daughter throughout. Is this a coincidence? I don’t think so. I think committing to homeschooling a child who wants to intensely pursue their art is a great benefit for the young artist.

One caution ‘Mike’, ‘Charlotte,’ and I share with parents whose children are preparing in the arts is not to be THAT parent who pushes and pushes too hard; be supportive and remember who this is for: our children, not for us. And, I add these ‘pearls of wisdom’ as final remarks: if your child shifts her/his passion to something else, support her/his choice. Do not live your life through your child. Do not try to recoup your lost chances through your child. Once they are prepared and not in your home anymore, let go; move from being on the stage with them and move to the stands to cheer them on.