Etiquette & Manners for the Modern Age

Are etiquette and manners passé in the modern age?Etiquette and manners suggest a cultural and situational code of behavior and response. The earliest documents addressing etiquette appears to be Count Anthimus’s Letter to the King Theodoric of the Franks, a Germanic tribe. The letter was written around 530 BC; in it, the count tutored the king in nihil nimis, Latin for ‘nothing in excess.’ Two of the items Count Anthimus suggested to King Theodoric were about the dangers of gluttony and other overindulgences. One specific suggestion was “…a polite custom [the count] initiated, the use of no more than three fingers to pick up meat, put an end to unsightly grabbing” (https://etiquipedia.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-earliest-books-written-of-etiquette).

By the late Middle Ages, “…European behavior manuals introduced a new generation of advice to gentility and deportment. These guidebooks derived from the code of courtly manners intended to suit royalty and to quell altercations arising from the dispute over proximity to the king at table” (https://etiquipedia.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-earliest-books-written-of-etiquette). A few topics covered in these manuals were information on carving meats, how to ladle sauces, how to place meat and vegetables serving platters, how to slice desserts, how to spread a napkin for me and for women - yes, the rules were different for the genders, and appropriate table time conversation.

Skip ahead to 1922 when Emily Price Post, at 50 years old, wrote her first etiquette book called Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home. It became a best-seller and is currently published in the 19th edition of the book. According to Martha Stewart, “This brings us to our initial question: Are good manners truly dead? We believe that Post's answer would be, ‘No, they aren't dead. They've simply adapted to the times.’ Take for example, the proper etiquette to being a good guest. According to Emily Post, there are a few simple rules: Tell your host whether you're attending, be on time, be a willing participant, offer to help when you can, don't overindulge, thank your host twice. Of course, we've become a little more lax in these rules” (https://www.marthastewart.com/1512296/you-can-thank-emily-post-for-these-rules-of-etiquette). Ms. Stewart goes on that Post, “…-in defining the rules of etiquette - broke one of the biggest rules of her time: A well-mannered woman did not work. In her lifetime, she proved herself as the nation's leading authority on all things etiquette, a self-made businesswoman with books, a newspaper column, and a network radio program. And in doing so, she defied the societal constraints of her time” (https://www.marthastewart.com).

In preparing to write this blog essay, I conducted a social media survey; I asked participants the following question: Please share your thoughts about 'manners' for 2023. What's appropriate? What manners need to be relegated to the past? Here are the responses:

• Female, Generation Z, single mother of two children, works in a theme park in Florida: “One thing I will say are MANNERS ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF CUSTOMER SERVICE! Goodness if I have to tell my coworkers that one more time, I may scream! Also manners are dead in 2023. It’s so sad!”

• Female, Baby Boomer, retired middle school science teacher: “Holding open a DOOR for someone will always be mannerly. A guy driver jumping out to open a car door is not necessary if the passenger is capable of getting themselves out. But, helping a needy person out of the passenger seat is very polite IF the person is agreeable. Color of seasonal clothing - outdated. [referring to the old “rule” of not wearing white shoes before Easter or Memorial Day] Women wearing pants/slacks anywhere is allowed [now]. Cleaning up after yourself at fast food [places] is necessary. Flushing the toilet or cleaning up dribbles - very necessary. Leaving the table for coughing/sneezing spells is necessary. Unnecessary - but sweet - who walks on the outside of sidewalk/street. [referring to a man walking on the outside while a woman walks on the inside] Chewing with mouth closed/not talking with food in mouth -necessary.”

• Female, Generation X, mother, partner, nurse: “A simple smile and maybe even a ‘hello’ would be a wonderful thing to experience. I remember people greeting others more in public. I would also be amazing to get what we order. I remember my order being filled more accurately years ago. Now, a tip is expected even at the register at fast food restaurants…I feel backed into a corner to leave a tip.”

• Female, Generation X, mother, grandmother, retired from medical field: “Opening doors for people! [Husband’s name] opened the car door for me after we shopped at Walmart. He always does that. The man in the car next to us laughed at [husband]. Sad.”

• Female, Baby Boomer, retired: “I still like a man to stand when I enter the room, but I guess that’s a relic! I do require my door opened, though. [This] is huge for me [-] a gentleman knowing what side to walk on.”

• Female, Generation X, mother, Speech Pathologist: “The use of ‘my bad’ as a form of apology.” [Implied that that is not appropriate.]

• Male, Generation Z, student, part-time worker: “ Most of the manners older people adhere to are outdated. For example, I find it entitled for older people to get irritated if they hold the door for me to go into the gym and I don’t always say ‘thank you.’ They growl sarcastically, ‘You’re welcome.’ I’m not entitled to tell them ‘thank you,’ but, they are they think they are. Another one is writing ‘thank you’ notes. If I’ve verbally said the words to someone, that should be enough. My mother keeps on me to write ‘thank you’ notes to people who gave me gifts and money for my graduation. I not going to do it because it’s time consuming and not necessary. And, one more thing, ‘professional attire’ is very outdated. Uncomfortable suits, ties are ridiculous."

Some of these responses certainly reflect generational preferences. Still, many older generations see the folly of uber restrictive codes of dress and behavior too. I grew up in the deep south where the social/cultural norms were highly formal: can’t wear pants/jeans/shorts/flip flops to church, can’t wear white shoes until after either Easter or Memorial Day, ‘ladies’ aren’t supposed to do this-or-that. Because we aren’t visiting the White House or Buckingham Palace where manners are strict, it’s tough to know what modern etiquette and manners are now. Like all social/cultural/generational norms, etiquette and manners are organic - always changing, always evolving.

What is the difference between ‘etiquette’ and ‘manners’? In her article, “Etiquette May Be the Root of Your Anxiety—but Understanding It Could Be the Cure,” Ivy Jacobson Ford reminds us that “…the Oxford English Dictionary defines [etiquette] as ‘the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group’” (qtd. in https://www.countryliving.com/entertaining/a29265924/modern-etiquette-rules/). So, what’s ‘customary’ to one person many not be to another. For example, the price of engraved graduation and wedding invitations and the price of sending them in the mail has gotten so expensive. Is it time to send email invitations instead? Elizabeth Lewis, a teacher of etiquette and expert at Debrett’s, the 250 year old British authority on manners, says “To us, it’s not about the rules,…Etiquette is a consideration of other people and your impact on them. And that might be by knowing certain codes of behavior, traditions, or expectations of other people and what matters to them. It’s a cornerstone of being a human. We have a big code of inclusivity, and respect of other people’s cultures. Etiquette shouldn’t be used to judge you or make you feel less than—it’s how people communicate today” (qtd. in https://www.countryliving.com).

‘Manners’ is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as, “…polite or well-bred social behavior” (qtd. in https://www.countryliving.com). The Debrett’s Handbook and Ms. Lewis states the difference between ‘manners’ and ‘etiquette’ is that, “Technically, etiquette is made up of the traditions and the code, and manners are how you behave and carry the code out” (qtd. in https://www.countryliving.com). ‘Etiquette’ implies ‘empathy’ (acknowledging the feelings of others) and ‘manners’ implies application of the code of cultural/generational interpretation of the code of behavior and response.

What do you think? For what it’s worth, here are my (female, Baby Boomer, single, mother, mother-in-law, retired, writer, dog mom) thoughts on etiquette and manners. Disclaimer: I’m not always good at using superb etiquette and manners; still, I strive to consistently demonstrate empathetic etiquette and sensible manners.

• Outdated: codes of dress for ‘professionals’ - suits/ties/dress loafers, pumps. Casual dress and keeping it simple works best - I don’t wear white shoes, but, if I did, I’d wear them whenever I wanted to. I wear white jeans and sandals year round. I don’t attend church, but, if I did, I would dress in something decent and casual.

• Gifts: Unless it’s a very close friend or close family member, I don’t give a gift for graduation or a wedding unless I go to the event. I send a card with nothing but my well wishes in it. That way, I won’t be disappointment when the receiver doesn’t acknowledge or thank me for a gift.

• Correspondence: emails and texts, rather than sending snail-mail letters, is acceptable.

• Still appropriate: opening doors for someone, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ genuinely, showing gratitude, putting on my car turn signal to change driving lanes, being on time, sharing a warm smile, keeping my dog on a leash when out for a walk and picking up my dog’s poop to throw away, put aside “me first” attitude. If family or friends send you a package, always let the sender know you received it because packages can get lost and the sender can initiate tracking if it’s lost.

In my research, I discovered something important to note and the young man alluded to it in his survey response. ‘Entitlement’ has become a hot button for all living generations. As you know, ‘entitlement’ means, “…the fact of having a right to something, the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment” (https://www.oed.com/). A sense of ‘entitlement’ is “…a personality trait that is based on a person’s belief that they deserve privileges or recognition for things that they did not earn. In simple terms, people experiencing this sense believe that the world owes them something in exchange for nothing. There are many reasons why someone may develop a sense of entitlement. Many people believe that when children are given everything they ask for without learning how to earn them, it causes them to expect the same treatment when they become adults. On the other hand, certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), may cause such symptoms” (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/the-psychology-behind-sense-of-entitlement/).

Currently, etiquette experts are considering the decline of the phrase, “you’re welcome” as a formerly correct response to someone saying, “thank you.” More and more, you hear people acknowledge, “thank you,” with “no problem," “no worries," “sure," “of course.” Especially from Millennials and Generation Z generations, someone saying, “you’re welcome” is often seen as rude because, as they describe it, it’s entitlement. Interestingly, for earlier generations, it’s considered rude or lazy or entitled NOT to say “you’re welcome.” In this situation, it’s important to remember that ‘etiquette’ involves ‘empathy’ for the other person. Saying, “no problem” with a caring tone of voice and body language does show empathy because it demonstrates your desire to be considerate to the other person by responding in a generationally and changing culturally appropriate reply. Want to read more about this changing aspect of etiquette? Check out https://www.countryliving.com/life/a19621740/why-dont-people-say-youre-welcome-anymore/ , https://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/01/magazine/when-did-youre-welcome-become-a-gloat.html , https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/articles/why-dont-people-say-youre-welcome-anymore/ , https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/give-and-take/201311/why-you-should-stop-saying-youre-welcome

Of course, when traveling to another country, we want to be respectful of foreign customs, etiquette, manners and adjust our behavior to match their ways. The last thing we want to project is the behavior of the “ugly American.”

Modern ‘etiquette’ and ‘manners’ are not as strictly defined as there were in 530 BC by Count Anthimusor in 1922 by Emily Post; still, if we remember how ‘empathy’ plays an important role in etiquette, we can choose polite, respectful ways to converse with one another.

Thank you for reading this blog essay. I welcome your comments below if you are reading this on social media or send your thoughts in an email me at reimaginelife21@gmail.com.