Ego Reduction

When someone mentions the word, ‘ego,’ we can all picture a person who acts from the stereotypical big ego: politicians, movie stars, celebrities, sports figures, coworkers. We envision someone like Donald Trump or Elon Musk or Shaq or Anna Wintour. What is ‘ego’? The dictionary defines ‘ego’ in a few ways: “…a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance, your sense of your own value and importance [; in] psychoanalysis, the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity; [in] philosophy [or (in metaphysics),] a conscious thinking subject” (https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/ego). We don’t usually think of shy, introverted people as egotistical; still, do you know that shy people often have big egos too? Keep reading to learn more.

According to philosopher and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle “…[who] has written and talked about the difference between what we see on the surface and what really lies within, …describes this outer mask as the ‘ego,' the sense of identity that we have and wear externally like armor. Within this definition of ego is an element of separation between yourself and the people around you. Or, as Tolle puts it, ‘the ego likes to emphasize the 'otherness' of others.’ Shy people are no exception, Tolle tells Oprah on an episode of ‘Oprah and Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth.’ In fact, Tolle surprises Oprah when he states that shy people are acting out of their egos just as much as overly confident people are. [He points out]: ‘If you're shy, then what you fear is to be found wanting. You're afraid of the disapproval or the criticism, [which] would represent an injury of your... sense of self, which is the ego.’ Tolle continues with an example of the inner monologue within a shy person. 'The image I have of myself as a very capable person... if I encounter criticism, the ego immediately will be hurt,’ he says. ‘So, a shy person would not dare say anything because they're afraid of ego-loss.’ At first, people tend to misinterpret this shyness. ‘Sometimes that's mistaken for an ego-less person, a person who's very meek. It's not,’ Tolle explains. ‘Deep down, inside the shy person... there's the desire, the unexpressed desire, to be superior’” (qtd. in https://www.huffpost.com/entry/eckhart-tolle-a-new-earth-shy-people_n_5148929).

The etymology of the word, ‘ego,’ comes directly from the Latin word for “I” - ego. ‘Ego’ has morphed from meaning “I," as in “I live in Shreveport,” to “I live in the most expensive, largest, and most beautiful home in Shreveport.” Conceited, egotistical, on an ego-trip, feed/massage/stroke one’s ego. As humans evolved from the cave person days to today, their brains grew, evolved, deepened, and a sense of self-awareness, self-value became rooted in humanity.

According to Angshuman Talukdar, “Millions of years ago, primitive humans lived and hunted in clans of few individuals. The clan determined any individual’s position, worth and identity. Individualism took a backseat and everyone was part of the larger machinery of the clan. Self-awareness comprised of the collective awareness of the clan. As the humans started exploring new territories, the environment became more hostile with changing climates, new predators and an ever growing population. Complexity of the human brain increased manifolds and along with it evolved cultures and languages. Competition and complex social hierarchies demanded greater understanding of the ‘self’ so as to better gauge one’s own and other’s position and role in the society. Evolution also rewarded those with strong sense of self as it invariably meant the collective good of the whole society. Competition, specialization and technological advancements gave rise to individualism and with it the concepts of self-esteem and self-reliance started to bloom. Human societies had been hierarchical for quite some time and with the industrial revolution and technological advancements, egocentric social status took center stage. Modern societies with its special emphasis on individual freedom, self-esteem and self-importance have given rise to egocentric actions and behaviors. Letting go of the ego is a common theme across religions and meditation practices. But, abandoning ‘the I’ is impossible. What we should rather understand is that in this complex web of the cosmos, we are indefinitely interconnected and are part of this larger machinery of the nature. Egocentric behaviors and actions can severely threaten cooperation and coexistence between humans which are the cornerstones of the human civilization. Over time, this can spell doom for us and the nature at large” (https://medium.com/@atalukdar7/evolution-of-the-ego-primitive-humans-to-us-3c7029cb544e).

What’s the solution? Choosing ego reduction. Ego inflation, including the self-centered, the immodest, the vain, the conceited, the overly proud, the braggart type and the shy, self-conscious, the egocentric, smug can be reduced in individuals who want to embrace interdependence as a way to survive and thrive. One article highlights the following: “Sometimes, when people have an inflated ego, they present as self-centered and narcissistic. They believe the world should revolve around them. Often, they place their needs above the needs of others. In other instances, guarded and unassuming people may have inflated egos. They avoid letting people come too close because they fear that others will see who they truly are. This tendency extends beyond basic self-preservation. Inflated ego distorts a person’s ability to recognize the truth in themselves or in others. [Often] people with inflated egos tend to react intensely and take things very personally. Because others might view them as selfish or withdrawn, they often struggle with intimate relationships. People with overinflated egos struggle to acknowledge flaws or vulnerabilities- both to themselves and to other people. As a result, they tend to deny problematic behaviors. They feel uncomfortable asking for peer support or connecting with others.

Chronic lying often emerges from a deep place of shame. The person doesn’t like the behavior, and they don’t want others to see it. Ego serves to protect that shame, to conceal it from the rest of the world. For example, if someone with an inflated ego is struggling with cravings, they might not disclose it to anyone. They don’t want people looking down on them. They don’t want to feel inferior or pitied. They also don’t want people jumping in trying to help- all the attention can feel unnerving. Instead, they isolate themselves with their own feelings” (https://www.resurfacegroup.com/post/inflated-ego-in-recovery).

What are ways to reduce ‘ego’? Oliver Roberts shares “8 ways to stop ego impeding your success” (https://evolvemembers.com/growth/dont-be-a-victim-of-your-ego/):

1. Never think you know it all.

2. Don’t let recognition and riches be your primary motivation.

3. Focus on what you're putting in, not what you will get out [of it]. Don’t let the outcome be what drives you.

4. Be kind. Kindness costs nothing, but its opposite could cost you everything.

5. Connect with nature. It’s difficult to get away from the material world. In business, you’re dealing with money and assets, and you’re connected to your electronic devices because they’re your professional lifeline. And while you’re entitled to enjoy the material fruits of your hard work, existing only in the world of your physical possessions—which is what your show-off ego wants you to do—will eventually disconnect you from a greater reality. Whether it’s a walk in the park, a hike or a vigorous mountain bike ride, or simply watching the night sky or the ocean, getting close to nature will humble you and change your perspective.

6. Be grateful. Expecting success and feeling entitled are very dangerous mindsets. Not only will they alienate you from valuable people, they actually reduce your drive because you fool yourself into thinking you don’t even have to try. Remind yourself daily of all the simple things in your life you’re thankful for. This’ll readjust your ego’s notions of success and failure.

7. Take responsibility. Not only is this the hallmark of a great leader, it’s the trait of someone who is willing to admit mistakes and be a better person because of them. When your ego is driving, everything is someone else’s fault and you’ll never forgive them for it either. Don’t be the person who can never accept when they’re wrong.

8. Let go. Much easier said than done because your ego wants full control of every outcome, but this is an impossible expectation. Micromanaging everything and everyone might make you feel powerful and infallible, but your lack of faith in others’ ability to do their job, and refusal to accept that things can go wrong, will end in staff dissatisfaction and your own burnout” (https://evolvemembers.com/growth/dont-be-a-victim-of-your-ego/).

That’s a great list for ego reduction. I have a few more to add from my experience:

* It’s not always about you! When we think everyone is talking about us, for example, that’s an overinflated ego that would benefit from an ego reduction diet.

* Practice Prayer, Meditation, Mindfulness. When we are mindful, when we meditate, when we pray, we can leave “I” out of the time spent in these quieting moments. See my blog post from a couple of weeks ago on Prayer and Meditation for some ideas.

* Define your core values. What are your core values for your lifestyle, your spiritual truths, your work life, your home life, your relationships? Define those to recognize areas of ego inflation, then, reduce your ego in those parts of your life.

* Determine where you are most likely inflate your ego. Is it at work? When meeting new people? In your primary relationships? Once you identify where you most likely pump up your ego, you can take steps to reduce ego in those situations.

* Think about who you would be / what you would be if you let go of being ego-driven. For example, if someone cuts you off on the interstate while you are driving and you flip them off, swerve to hit them, curse at them, and start to drive unsafely, your ego is driving your reaction and your car. Instead, if someone cuts you off, you can choose to reduce your ego by letting it go, breathing deeply, and continuing on your way.

* Let go of concerning yourself with what people think of you. It is the inflated ego that worries what people think of us. It is not specifically you, who you are at your core, that people are judging; it is their ego assessing your ego.

* Let go of judging other people! Judging in straight from your ego and is harmful. (Confession: this is tough for me too!)

*Let go of perfectionism. You will never be perfect and what you do will never be perfect. Perfectionism is at the heart of the ego. Reduce your ego and reduce the need to be perfect.

Surrendering your ego isn’t “giving up” in a defeated, deflated way. Surrendering your ego, at times, allows you to ‘go with the flow,’ to truly rest and renew, to take a different path, to make a different choice, to consider the thoughts, feelings, opinions of others as being as important as your own. Shrinking our egos can benefit us by reducing the stress it takes to hold up our egos to the world; reducing our egos will benefit us and the people around us.

Thank you for reading this week’s blog essay. Please leave a comment on how this resonates with you or ideas you have about reducing ego. Alternatively, you can send me an email to reimaginelife22@gmail.com.